The Great Pterodactyl in the Sky

This great mechanized beast, wrought of steel, stealthily hovers in the sky so high up, but just underneath the realm of space. Silently it waits, and then upon orders from some gruff, stern fellow with a few thousand stars, and rectangles of different shades and hues of colors, decorated with the flair of a career well done, mumbles the order into a telephone which is transmitted invisibly, at least to the naked eye, to the Great Pterodactyl hovering in the sky. And then? The mechanical bird craps out a two ton load, sending it falling, falling through the ether until it hits the taqiyah worn on the head of a backwards walking insurgent.

Luck would have it the victim would be an insurgent. From the Great Pterodactyl’s mechanized eye, lens small yet penetrating enough to reveal on the screen to the grim-stern-lipped General the offensively-colored taqiyah. White colored, (though green, blue, orange, red, or the color of burnt napalm) was just the right color to piss off this man. A General yes, but with a morally justified fashion sense. To him, it just didn’t go with the salwar kameez, dark green, masking the insurgent’s portly paunch tolerably enough for him to see it, but ignore it.

‘Looks like a fucking Christmas wreath. Can’t the motherfucker make up his mind? You wear the skullcap of a jew, a dress that’s more befitting of a fifteen year old girl entertaining guests at her quinceanara, and green! Fucking Douglas Fir Green!’ the General said to nobody in particular in the control room of the Great Pterodactyl. ‘Something’s got to be done about this!’ And he did...caused a firestorm with the shit from the great, mechanized beast in the sky.

The control room phone rang, and after the General answered, declared to the scarcely populated with geeks in eye-glasses and wild hair and unshaved from pulling double shift duties (both men and women looked haggard and unshaved...so went the mannish appearance of geeky women, and girlish, nearly transvestite-overcompensation-for-ultra-femininity of the geeky men). They erupted with satisfaction; finally, there was a goddamned reason for them monitoring all those Great Pterodactyls circling in the sky.

‘Fuck yeah!’ bellowed the Herculean females.

‘Oh, huzzah!’ squealed the princesses with delight.

Then the General remained on the phone, listening to the intelligence report about the direct hit. The following is what he heard from a soldier on the ground, investigating the crater as big as Rhode Island.

 

‘Sir, with all rationality, I have to commend you on a splendid job. That fucking skullcap was a fucking eyesore. But in all seriousness, sir, that was the son-of-a-bitch who was firing at us yesterday. The same soiled monkey wearing a girl’s dress that we saw come at us with his child brandishing an AK-47, squeezing the little shitmachine until he shot at us...all to defend himself, because, as you are well aware, no military personnel are allowed to fire on a child, even under such extreme circumstances as what we encountered yesterday.’

‘Get to the fucking point!’ the General said through gritted teeth. ‘I want you to describe to me how that slutty little garment rippled and faded when the flames caught.’

The ground soldier said, ‘Wait sir. I have to finish. Today, this same apron-wearing-motherfucker took his wife into his own hands as a lethal weapon, picked her dainty-niqab-wearing ass right on his right shoulder, squeezed whereabouts her uterus would be, and then out shot one, two, three, then ten little babies. At first, all us soldiers thought it was nothing to worry about, until we saw the little newly-created-shitmachines had unpinned grenades shoved in their mouths. The diabolical fuckers...sir!’

‘Indeed, soldier, indeed,’ the general replied, and then hung-up the phone. 

The General had to sit back in his chair and revel in the merriment of the geeks prancing and slamdancing around him, with the image of a giant-fuck-off crater with smoke billowing out of it displayed on the screen from the camera as seen by the Great Pterodactyl in the sky. 

Reigning Shit-Fire from the Great Pterodactyl